Hold Me.

There is a menace in my house. Some days I cannot even walk across the living room without being accosted. What is the evil that lurks inside these walls? Well, it all started about a week ago, when I was in Dallas.

You see, I have some imaginary online friends. Some of these friends have, in recent years, fallen victim to a cult. It can be found in many malls and possibly even on the internet (look out! It's behind you!). When I spent a weekend in Dallas, I had no idea that their lust for the tools of this cult would put me in such grave danger. I was but an innocent bystander, dragged into the Lush store, the intoxicating scents and cheery salesgirls overwhelming my senses. And in an instant, I too was hooked. I walked out of the store with a half-million bath bombs and some Happy Hippy shower gel, but those things were not the cause of my troubles. Oh no.

Seemingly innocent in its plastic bottle, the Flying Fox shower gel is a powerful agent of evil. I should have known, really, that buying a product that says "aphrodisiac" on the label was a bad idea, no matter how lovely the scent. When my husband spied the bottle in our bathroom, I was just out of the shower in my pajamas, combing my tresses in front of the mirror. He laughed as he read the label, and asked, "did you just use this?" I answered that I had, indeed, used the Flying Fox, and immediately wished I could take the statement back, because I could see by the evil gleam in his eye what was to come.

I ran from the bathroom just a step ahead of him, but he caught me in the hall. There, I had to endure the most horrible fate since my cousin's chihuahua took a liking to me. Yes, people. My husband pretended to hump my leg. I've rarely been so humiliated in my whole sad life. Since that time, I've taken to using the Flying Fox only when my husband isn't home. Most summers I could hide the telltale scent of jasmine easily, but this year, his allergy medications are working surprisingly well. Combined with his catlike agility, I don't stand a chance. In fact, I hear him coming down the stairs right now. Excuse me, I need to hide under my desk.